Snakes
Is this really something we need to worry about?
Service Cares for Pets Orphaned Due to the Rapture
 |
He’s coming for you, not Alfonse. Plan ahead. |
When the Rapture comes and the Tennessee faithful go to Jesus, what will become of Princess, your teacup chihuahua, or Alfonse the iguana?
They’ll starve to death, that’s what — left to wander the sad-sack halls of an empty home recently vacated by owners whose souls have been Raptured from their mortal coils. While you inherit the Kingdom, Princess is chewing on your leather belt.
Fortunately for residents of the Bible-Belt Buckle, Eternal Earth-Bound Pets has you covered. These entrepreneurial unbelievers will care for the pets of the Raptured in 22 states, from Massachusetts to Washington — Sorry New Yorkers and Californians. Business in these states, as we all know, simply doesn’t justify the expense. Mississippi, Tennessee and Kentucky, however, are fecund with Faithful. Bart Centre, creator, co-owner and author, tells Pith he has two clients in Nashville and more than 100 clients across the country.
Here’s how it works:
For $110, Eternal Earth-Bound Pets will guarantee that your pet will be cared for should the Rapture occur within 10 years of receipt of payment. A network of sworn atheists — or at the very least those who have “blasphemed in accordance with Mark 3:29″ — will rescue your pet within 18 to 24 hours of the rapture, and care for it as though it were their own. The service does not extend to larger animals, though in New Hampshire, Vermont, Idaho and Montana, they’re equipped to care for llamas, donkeys, horses and camels.
Read the fine print. The service is, of course, non-refundable. If you find yourself among the Left Behind, well, that sucks. If you lose your faith before the Rapture comes, too bad. You’re not getting your money back.
Kitty – The 5:00 a.m. Bane of our Existence
This is Kitty. He’s now 16 years old and our twins think he has Kitty Alzheimer s because he’ll ask to be let outside. Then five minutes later, he wants in. He does this ALL DAY LONG. As if we have nothing better to do.
But his most irritating, annoying, irritating, upsetting trait is to scratch at our bedroom door EVERY freaking morning at 5:00 a.m. – to have us stumble blindly into the kitchen to “WOOSH” his dry food so that he can settle down and eat it? AND, if it’s not done “properly,” he’ll scratch at the door again, and again.
ALL we want is some sleep CAT!
Animal Lover, Betty White to Host SNL
Animal lover extraordinare, Betty White, was tapped to host the May 8, Mothers’ Day Edition, of Saturday Night Life. After a robust Facebook campaign, fans learned today that Betty will be host!
Teenaged Boys & Snake Birthday Presents
When our son, Benji was 16, he desperately wanted a snake for a pet. My husband called me at work for permission to bring a snake home from the pet store. Now, our older boys had already had snakes, so in my mind, I’m picturing a six inch thing. Ok, I foolishly agreed.
When I got home, this is what I found living in my boy’s bedroom closet – because he didn’t have a container big enough to hold her. 
Mommy, meet my new python. I had visions of an escaped python strangling said boy in the middle of the night, but she was pretty calm. As long as she got a good supply of pinkies (hairless frozen mice babies, for the uninitiated). Then she graduated to eating regular mice, then white rats. Benji asked if I wanted to see her eat – I said no thanks!
But, when Benji said the rats were no longer satisfying and he wanted us to go the pet store for a bunny snack, I said it was time for her to find a new home. (See previous post!)
By this time, she was almost 12 feet long. And illegal in surrounding states.
Sick Daze a Pet Poem
Sick Daze
There are three things
my mother never told me
before I had my first child.
She should have.
First, I never knew
that once I became a mother
I would NEVER sleep again.
Second, I never knew
that kids accumulate a
series of pets and I would
become a ?pet-mommy.?
A doggy doctor dragging,
thermometer toting,
puppy potty-training mom.
Third, and this was her
most important omission.
I never knew
that even when my kids
have 103 temps and
cough like banshees,
spreading their little
germs far and wide.
I never knew that it will be 2025
before I get my very own sick day.
One where I snuggle down under the covers,
and feel a cool hand on my fevered brow.
I?m waiting wistfully for that day,
but until then?.
I?m living in my sick daze.
Pet Peeves, Solving Pet Problems
My name is Chairman Meow (aka Kitty). I live in a dog-eat-dog world, but I rule my household with an iron claw. Let me introduce you to the cast of characters.
Number One Rule Offender: Dutchy, (aka Stinky). He looks innocent, but he’s devious behind those ole’ blue eyes. He can get in more trouble in a couple of minutes…just saying.
